I recently read Mark Manson’s book – It was a provocative, perspective-affirming, cage-rattling read. If you are easily offended, then this book is not the book for YOU! This is not a review of the book, but rather a look at the underlying premise of the book and how it can help you put your breakup into perspective. So, if you want to put your breakup into perspective and take charge of the things that are under your control and that you can change well keep reading. 

Basically, the title of the book pretty much sums up what the book is about. This idea is not original by any means. As they say there are no original ideas only people's perspective and interpretation of old ideas.

Interestingly enough, as a child this was pretty much my attitude growing up. My mom would often say that my “don’t-care attitude” would get me in trouble and sometimes it did. But, looking back it helped me more than it harmed me. What I found was the less attention and focus I gave something the less it could bother me emotionally. Think about it, you ever notice things that you don’t care about, don’t bother you. Exactly! Reading the book now at my age has confirmed that I was on to something back then. It is funny how at mature age “not giving a f*ck” becomes second nature. You just become more selective.

Mark Manson’s book "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck: A counterintuitive approach to living a good life" isn’t specifically about breakups or relationships, but the underlying premise and principles of the book can easily apply to breakups. Often when we go through a breakup, we haphazardly give way too many effs about things that don’t deserve any and things that we can’t change or control. And as a result, we suffer unnecessarily and struggle to move on and get over our ex. Been there, done that. 

Banking from Breakup™ is about choices. Much like the book it is about "choosing what matters and what’s important to care about" following a breakup. It’s not about wasting time and energy with the things we can’t control or change. Why we think we can change and control people or situations in our lives I will never know! That’s a losing battle you will never win. Plus, it’s pointless and just makes no sense. Here’s the thing, you can’t force friendships (relationships) or make someone love and  want you if they don’t. You can’t control or change people’s actions, thoughts, feelings or energy. You can only do you!

Mark Manson describes it as “to stare down life’s most terrifying and difficult challenges and still take action.” In life there will be heartaches, breakups, losses, regrets, pains, problems, deaths, and failures, guaranteed. The key is to rise regardless of the challenges that life throws at you (and in terms of your breakup to turn it on it’s a$$).

These things are inevitable in life. They happen. But you get to choose your struggle. “Who you are is defined by what you’re willing to struggle for.” So what matters to you? Or, what is important to you? More so, what are you willing to struggle for? Is it your health, your happiness, your emotional stability, your spiritual well-being, your resilience, your financial independence and security? At the end of the day, “our struggles determine our successes.”  

This is especially true with breakups. Love him or hate him we can learn a lesson or two from Mark Manson’s The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck contrary to popular belief and the reviews for the book. But I’m a firm believer that lessons come from the most interesting and sometimes unlikely of places and sources. You have to be open and ready to learn them though. At the end of the day, they are lessons, none the less. Below are some of the lessons I came away with from Mark Manson's book adapted to breakups.

Crazy right? The worst thing you can do is try to get over a breakup. This is why many people get stuck and can't move on after a breakup. Moving on is a choice. The only person holding you back is YOU! You either do or you don’t do. Trying gets you nowhere fast. When you make up your mind and you decide to move on from your breakup and you take consistent action you move forward. There is no magic bullet. It all boils down to taking action. Trying is like standing in the same spot and expecting to get somewhere. Getting over your breakup requires a decision and action. Everyone moves on at their own pace. For me it was 7 months. But it takes effort, energy and work. The key is to do what works for you.

Ouch Lindy! I wish it was that simple. I know it isn’t. The truth is breakups are the worst. But, there's no avoiding them. They come with relationships. Not all relationships are meant to last. Life is not a Disney movie. There is no prince(ss) charming. S/He is not coming! 

85% of relationships end in breakup and 50% of marriages end in divorce. The odds are stacked against us from the jump. However, this doesn’t make them any easier or any less sucky. You can either let your breakup and all that comes with it consume you. Or you can decide what to focus your thoughts on and what to prioritize. You get to pick and choose what matters to you and what is important to you. That is your choice.

According to Manson, the reality is in life “we have a limited number of f*cks so we should use them wisely”. I could not agree more. “We can’t be giving them out like ice cream at summer camp.” This is the problem with breakups. We tend to give too many f*cks to things that don’t matter, that we can’t change or control which ultimately causes us more pain and suffering. Hence, this is why breakups are so hard and they hurt like hell. The key is to know what to care about. Because, when you learn to care less and be more selective in what you give your attention and energy to is when you become “unstoppable”. This is the key to getting over a breakup. If you want your life back, learn to give zero about the things you can’t change or control. Honestly, this was a game changer for me. I believe everyone should have a f*cket list to go along with their bucket list. A list of the things not to waste your time or energy on. Life gets a whole lot simpler when you do this. Trust me.

Your breakup may not have been your fault (choice), but how you handle it and move on from it is your responsibility (choice). Blaming your ex doesn’t absolve you from or alleviate your responsibility. Your ex owes you nothing. Your emotions, your feelings, your bounce back, your life is 100% your responsibility. I repeat, your ex might be to blame, but what you do is your responsibility. When you choose to accept responsibility for yourself, you take back your power. Your decisions are not based on what you can’t change or control. They are based on what is the best for you.

Second, what your ex is doing, who they are dating or hooking up with is none of your business! They are no longer your concern or responsibility. The hard truth is your ex has probably moved on with someone else that is not you. They might even be getting married to your best friend and expecting a child. 

Strange right? Even if we don't always see it initially. It is often said that “pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional”. I agree somewhat. I believe that suffering is necessary. Without suffering there would be no growth or personal development. To suffer is to grow. It is through our suffering and our struggle that we find the strength to persevere and to push forward. Suffering gives us wings. Similarly, breakups are our gateway to growth. I believe that your greatest opportunity for growth is after your breakup. Never underestimate the value in your breakup. The blessings come in the lessons. Mine did. Would not have learned the lessons otherwise. Tough, but true.

Problems are inevitable, but the meaning of each problem is not. We assign meaning to our problems. Same applies to breakups. This is why breakups are so difficult. It’s because of the meaning we assign to them. Often the meaning we attach to our breakups are negative most of the time. We see our breakup as a personal attack of our character, of not being good enough, or pretty enough, as a rejection or being discarded. 

When we change the meaning we give our breakups we change our life. So, give it meaning or don’t. You get to control the meaning of your breakup and what it means to you. You get to choose how your think about it, what value and importance it has in your life, how you perceive it and more importantly how you move on from it. When I changed the way I looked at my breakup things changed for me. I flipped the script and focused on the positives. It wasn’t easy, but it made all the difference.

This is so true. There is no perfect breakup blueprint, roses or unicorns. Nor is there a magic bullet or fairy dust when it comes to getting over breakups. There's also no right or wrong way to get over a breakup. Truthfully there is only what you do or don’t do. It’s that simple. But it is not easy. Your breakup bounce back is about what you do or don’t do. You get to choose what you make of it or not and how you live with it. You also get to choose what your breakup “means to you and for you”. Because, everyday you are choosing. “In every moment of every day you are choosing what to care about and what is important.”

Like anything else choose wisely. Choose you.  You will not be disappointed. Many times in relationships we choose the other person over our self. We over invest in them to the point where we sacrifice our self. We end up loving them more than we love our self. Then when the relationship ends we're still choosing them. We get consumed with them and lose sight of our self. No wonder we struggle to move on and get over our ex. So, if it is not serving you, making you better, growing you or elevating you to your next level of greatness guess what? It's time to choose something else to give your energy and focus to. You matter more than they will ever matter! Period!

The big takeaway message from Mark Manson's book is to be selective about the effs you give and reserve them for what truly matters. If it is not worthy, if you can’t change it or control it then don’t waste it. Breakups happen, no point burning through f*cks over a breakup. We all get dealt cards in life. We can’t always choose the cards. But it is what we choose to do with the cards we are dealt that makes all the difference.