The no contact rule in theory may make sense. But it all depends on who you listen to. And all the experts seem to be drinking the same cool-aid and backing the same bad advice. The origin of the no contact rule is difficult to ascertain. However, based on my research, the no contact rule is based on the premise of trying to “get your ex back”. The issue is that not all of us are trying to get our exes back. And some of us have no business being with our exes. Disclaimer: I am not bashing those who endorse or offer these "how to get your ex back" , "text your ex back" or "back with my ex again" programs. For some people this is what they want and that's fair. 

So, it may make sense if you’re trying to get your ex back. I can see how psychologically in an "absence makes the heart grow fonder" kind of way that it may work. But it is still a stretch and seems very one-sided and suspect. Also it may not be realistic if there are children or pets involved. Then there are those who actively want to move on and get over their ex once and for all. So, the thing is, if you’re not trying to get your ex back, or there is no chance in hell for the relationship to be salvaged the no contact rule is a waste of time. Actually, it’s the worst advice ever. Keep reading if you want to find out why the no contact rule is lame, toxic and unhealthy.

These "breakup experts" only give you half of the story. They tell you what it is and why you  should do it. But they give you very little on how to do it so it works for you, and not against you. Even stranger is the person who breaks no contact is the one always left hurting. How does that even make sense?

That said, I'm here to tell you that you that it just isn’t true. Your ex doesn't come rushing back into your arms (even though you assume that they will). The only thing the no contact rule does is frustrate you. Yes I understand I might be the bearer of bad news by saying this. But I am not known for playing it safe. The thing is, following the “no contact rule” makes you obsess over your ex. You end up living your life by the clock, counting the minutes, hours, days (weeks and months).

Seriously, how does that help you move on exactly? Yeah. When you fixate on having no contact with your ex, guess what? All you do is think about your ex. Which means your not focused on yourself, nor are you moving on or getting over your ex. Because all you are thinking about is “no contact” with said ex. And guess who is moving on with their life and living their best life with someone else? Yes, your ex. 

The no contact rule is just another way to keep you stuck. Before you know it, you end up on this emotional roller-coaster, this vicious cycle of no contact-break no contact. Then you beat yourself every time you break the no contact rule. How is that in your best interest? If you want to move on and get over your ex then listen to me you have to forget about the no contact rule. Because it's just another distraction that keeps you preoccupied with your ex 24/7. (Especially in those critical days and weeks after a breakup.)

You become a slave to your phone. To the point where you sit around for hours staring at your phone waiting for them to text or call. Then mad disappointment and sadness roll in like waves when you don't hear from them. Next, you tell yourself that you’re not going to answer them back if they do call. So now you're angry. The slightest noise from your phone sends you into a frenzy. It's like you are in this tug of war with yourself. This crazy holding pattern, the jerking yourself around and the back and forth is not healthy.  As I always say, holding patterns are for planes, not for people. 

It's like if you don’t contact your ex for “30 to 60" days miraculously they will come back to you. And all your problems will vanish into thin air and all will be well in your world. Utter nonsense, if you ask me. This is not a Disney movie. The whole idea is for you to work on yourself and to focus on you after your breakup. The problem is you end up like a sitting duck waiting for these said number of days to pass. Your mind is totally focused on your ex and what and who they are doing. You’re in two minds as to whether or not to contact them. Because that’s exactly what your brain wants to do. What happens when we impose rules on ourselves? We want to break them almost immediately. It never fails. So, we want to do that thing that we told our self we wouldn’t do. Am I right? Yeah, ok... I’ve been there.

It sets you up for a hard fall only to fail. Its no wonder that most people can't stick to it. You’re in an emotional landmine after a breakup which makes it almost guaranteed you can’t stick to it. And we know that most people fail and men and women do no contact differently. You have a million questions and you go back and forth in your mind what went wrong in the relationship. You want closure. And then you do it, you give in and you break no contact. .

So, it looks a little something like this, you fail miserably and you break no contact. Then shit hits the fan. You get into a screaming match with your ex or worst you have sex with them. Now you get reeled in to only have your heart stomped on. You’re now back to no contact struggling to get over feeling like a failure and being consumed by guilt for breaking no contact. There is no fun in that. Then its back to “I need to start no contact again, back to square one”. Which is followed up by several more failed attempts at no contact. 

Here’s the thing you can’t get water from a dry well. There's nothing there. The problem is we make it about our ex, when in fact it is really about us. So the key is to get clear on your intentions for doing the No Contact Rule. You want to understand why you are doing the No Contact Rule. Next you want to come up with a game plan that puts all your attention, effort and focus on yourself, your needs, and your priorities. This can’t be about your ex. Or it just won’t work. I know, I've been there. You will fail, guaranteed. Also, it can’t just be no contact alone. This was my mistake in the beginning. Without a plan, you have no hope. Banking from Breakup was my plan. It was my way of putting the focus back on me and not my ex. Truly, it became my mission to bank on myself to do me. You need to have a plan in place or it's just wishful thinking. Operating on a wish is shaky at best. For no contact to really work you need a plan beyond “no contact” . Do you see why the no contact rule is not the best advice out there?